Oof! John Shuttleworth's back
John Shuttleworth — the alter ego of comedy actor Graham Fellows, best-known for his 1978 Jilted John record Gordon Is A Moron — heads to Inverness on Sunday. John — for those who don’t know, is a would-be Sheffield singer-songwriter with slightly nerdish tendencies and an agent and next-door neighbour, Ken Worthington, who sometimes accidentally sabotages John’s career hopes. Take John’s current tour. Ken has cocked up the poster, so John’s had to adapt the show and make it all about Ken. The Eden Court show on Sunday will probably include many of John’s musical numbers, such as Two Margarines or Disaffected Youth, accompanied with his Yamaha PSS portable keyboard. John might even include Pigeons In Flight – the song he attempted (unsuccessfully) to have selected for the Eurovision Song Contest. Read his answers to our questions below
1 I see that your next-door neighbour and sole agent Ken Worthington has mucked up the tour title again on the posters, so now it’s all about Ken (Weekend To Remember becomes Wee Ken To Remember). Does this mean you’ve had to rejig the whole show — and have you forgiven Ken yet?
JOHN: Yes, and I’m having to rack my brains to think of memorable things to say about him. You see, since coming last on New Faces in 73, Ken has lived a reclusive life so I hardly see him — apart from when he walks along our boundary wall with a bowl of cereal. Ken wears Cuban heels, which tends to damage the coping stones. But I’ve forgiven Ken for the poster cock-up, as he can’t help being an idiot, can he?
2 Though happily married to Mary, in the past John you’ve been subjected to Mary’s friend Joan Chitty’s sometimes inappropriate advances. Have you managed to keep out of trouble?
JOHN: Yes, although me and Mary did have a domestic quarrel last week. I saw her throw a dishcloth directly into the bin, which of course is something you shouldn’t do — a dishcloth shouldn’t be chucked, not until it’s enjoyed a long and happy life as a.... wait for it.......floorcloth! You know I’m right, ladies, and now it’s nestling on the waste pipe under the sink, next to the Swarfega. Mary’s tried to move that product into the garage but I’ve not allowed it. Of course, time was the Swarfega was kept next to the sink along with the Vim — or the Ajax. You couldn’t have both. Well, you could, but it would be foolish — like having two margarines open in the fridge at any one time. Two margarines on the go — it’s a nightmare scenario!
3 Some esteemed wise man (might have been that bloke Graham Fellows) once said: "Performing, or creativity, is a form of sickness. It’s a statement that you’re unhappy with the world as it is, and want to change it in some way, as if it wasn’t complete to start with."
Would you agree, John? And even if you don’t, what would you say is your finest musical creation/contribution towards making the world complete ? Love song Pigeons In Flight? Possibly hard-hitting social expose Disaffected Youth or perhaps the romantic road-not-travelled ballad, Unaccompanied Lady. (I’d nominate Two Margarines – inspired by accidentally having two tubs open at once in the fridge).
JOHN: That’s what Graham "who" said? Sounds like he’s jealous of my current standing in the pop music world. I believe he had a novelty hit single in 1978 about somebody of limited intelligence called Gordon, but it wasn’t my cup of tea at all. I’ll soon be chart bound — once the Lighthouse Family records Pigeons In Flight. (Their singer has a range of only half an octave, so that song will stretch him). I might send another of my more recent classic creations, Midweek, to the Pointer Sisters as they’ve gone a bit quiet and could do with a helping hand. Mind you, couldn’t we all...
4 Am I right in thinking you are joining a host of celebrities for a special gig for an animal sanctuary at the London Palladium, (possibly a slightly bigger audience than you are accustomed to, John). I trust your own beloved canine Kirsty will also be attending -– and how do you like sharing a stage with other musicians. Is it a treat or a trial based on previous experience?
JOHN: Oof, I think you’re mixing up two bookings here. The animal sanctuary gig is in Lincolnshire in March. Exactly three months later I will be appearing at London’s most famous theatre, the Palladium for a gig in aid of MS charities. Bit far for my Scottie dog, Kirsty to come, don’t you think? Also she might assume that fabulous duo Sooty and Sweep are soft toys provided for her amusement, and all hell could break loose. But I’m very excited about June 28. I hope to sing duets with the likes of Chas and Dave, Toyah, and half of Heaven 17, Martyn Ware. Oof, perhaps he should be billed as Heaven 8 and a half!
John Shuttleworth in A Week Ken To Remember is at Eden Court on Sunday (Mar 15) at 8pm
